My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
