His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
