i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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