I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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