Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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