you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
