i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
