He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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