I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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