Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
