listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize