you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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