I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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