Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
