i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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