Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
