Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
