He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
