May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
