She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
