I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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