so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
