The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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