The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
