you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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