i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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