never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
