My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
