I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
