Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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