I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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