She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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