Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
