i love accidental penises.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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