I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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