Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
