I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
