apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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