Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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