I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
