So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Randomize
