I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
