Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
