Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
