I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
