so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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