I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
