Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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