You're so nebulous sometimes
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
