They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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