I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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