my mouth tastes like poor choices
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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