had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
