Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
