I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
