I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
