I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
