Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
